The Simulacrum blog...

The Collapse of British Society

2006-03-17T15:55:00.000Z

Don’t read on if the word ‘cunt’ offends…

I was in the pub a few nights ago with a friend discussing the way we go through phases of using certain words, and how these phases bring new words into our everyday vocab that replace older words (we’re thrilling company!).

From here we realised that we say the word ‘cunt’ much more than the word ‘marmalade’. This isn’t all that surprising for two twenty something Londoners, but quite worrying given that we estimated that we have a ‘Cunt to Marmalade Ratio’ of several hundred to one.

This is very demographic specific of course, many countries use neither word. Young children probably say ‘marmalade’ more, as with most older people.

I would therefore be fascinated to hear your thoughts on this. What is your Cunt to Marmalade ratio? Please comment/email with your thoughts and ratios (include age and location)! If I get enough replies, I will get some stats together.

(The irony of realising that I have such an obscene Cunt to Marmalade Ratio, subsequently reducing it, hasn’t been lost on me)

((also, why are you here? Go here!))

Newish site

2006-03-01T13:29:00.000Z

It's a bit silly keeping my blog and my main site separate, so I'm changing things dammit!

I'm doing everything Simulacrum at www.listentothestars.co.uk for now - Have a look, let me know how it tickles you and let's see how it goes!

New Show!

2006-02-03T12:07:00.000Z

My latest interview is now online!

The guest is King Henry Viii! Triple Yay!

Hear it here

Updates!

2006-01-25T19:45:00.000Z

I've updated the Ask Winston and Simuladrum parts of the site - go there and enjoy!

Thanks for your help with fave shows - as a reward, a new show goes online very soon! Triple Yay!

Help!

2006-01-23T15:36:00.000Z

Ok, a serious question, for reasons I will reveal in coming weeks.

What was your favourite Simulacrum of 2005?*

*Yes, that means all, except Mother Teresa.

Choose 1, 2, or 3 at most and email them to me (details below right).

It's not a competition, but your thoughts will be a huge help!

To soften the blow of having to think, here is a picture of a honey badger. I love those crazy animals!

Holy Mutter!

2006-01-18T20:18:00.000Z

Several months ago I wrote about this:

Which i thought was amazing!!

And now, there's this:

(http://wp.skrynski.de/)

I don't entirely get it, but I think it's good, largely because it has the word 'Persönlichkeiten' - which is such a fantastic word we should start using it in English!

It's great being written about in 'foreign'!

(head expands, blows up, is replaced by smaller, more charming head...)

The Mother Of All Interviews!

2006-01-17T20:15:00.000Z

A new show! Fantastic! I told you 2006 was good!

The guest: 'Mother' Teresa!

Look at those links on the right - the one with the funky Simulacrum logo will take you to the site!

Or, if you're lazy, just click the word DONKEY to listen!

Or, if you have ITunes and want to subscribe (for free) to the show, click on the word PROLAPSE!

Or, if you want to get nowhere in life, click on the word HERE.

Join In!

2006-01-14T12:31:00.000Z

I think jokes about blondes, the Irish, Spurs supporters etc. are tantamount to racism. Except this one: Best Blonde Joke Ever

Ohmygod!!

2006-01-12T10:58:00.000Z

2006 eh? Hasn't it been the most incredible year ever! Already it's better than all of 2005 put together! Well, Chris Skinner thinks so, and to celebrate he has done a load of new interviews and recorded an entirely new show that will go live soon! Wow and double wow!

Do you ever feel like just jumping up and down with a big smile whilst the Vengaboys play in the background? Chris Skinner certainly does - and he's never wrong!

More soon! Yippee!!!!

I Believe In Father Christmas!

2005-12-24T12:20:00.000Z

He exists! He really does!! Catch my interview with Father Christmas here!

My request for 2006

2005-12-23T10:49:00.000Z

Can we all be around 20% less stupid? If we are all collectively just a little bit cleverer then none of us will ever reply to spam or fall over drunk, or listen to U2.

The benefits will be huge – hospitals will be quieter places, our inboxes have will only have emails we want and people will expect more than rock by numbers accompanied by pseudo-political arse.

How could we occupy this time we have created for ourselves? I don’t know, but I’m going to spend more time walking.

If anyone has any suggestions, let me know!

Tested

2005-12-19T10:04:00.000Z

I went on BBC's Test The Nation last night, but can you guess what team was I on?

I scored 54 which makes me cleverer than Danny Wallace and Sonia from Eastenders.

Big Dick!

2005-12-12T21:30:00.000Z

The latest Simulacrum is now live... featuring my favourite famous whale - Moby Dick.

How exciting!!

Did You Know?

2005-12-12T12:58:00.000Z

The Jolly Green Giant and the Laughing Cow are actually really good friends. They hang out together all the time, sometimes they go on country walks or visits to the sea.

Most of the time however they sit in fields doing mushrooms, giggling.

Always Getting It Right

2005-12-08T12:13:00.000Z

I've always thought that podcasting/sticking audio online has been a vastly underused way to try out material for mainstream comedians. I was even quoted by the BBC on that very topic. So I think it's great that Britians leading TV and radio comic Ricky Gervais has started. It might be a bit long at half an hour, but it's very funny so go listen!

Next Simulacrum online as soon as Bill Gates gets round to voicing one of my ad's.

Sporting Genius

2005-12-02T11:59:00.000Z

This week I cancelled my gym membership to fund my new subscription to Sky Sports.

The irony hasn't been lost on me.

New Show!

2005-11-28T10:18:00.000Z

At last! A new show!

For it, I interview a reflective Mr T - finally able to reminisce and enjoy his A Team and Rocky memories. Emotional.

Click the Simulacrum link over there-------->

Apologies

2005-11-22T12:04:00.000Z

I voiced an ad for a well known roadside cafe today. *

If you hear it (UK only), you will recognise it. You will really remember it. Really.

I am so sorry.

*Let's say that their head cook is quite small.

Sharon And On...

2005-11-21T10:53:00.000Z

It's not every day a Prime Minister quits his own party to run an election against it. Middle Eastern politics just get more surreal by the day.

I'd love it if it happened more often - Blair quits to run against Brown, Bush takes on the Church, Keane plots to replace Fergie...hmm...perhaps it happens more than we think!

Goal!

2005-11-17T15:38:00.000Z

For football supporters in the UK this could be good news. Basically, Sky will no longer have a monopoly on Premiership football.

But what's stopping another cable company (NTL/Setanta etc.) bidding and winning. Would fans then have to fork out for 2 subscriptions?

Now British TV is as 3 dimensional as ever, perhaps BBC and ITV could bid together?

As long as ITV let BBC produce the show. Until John Barnes started hosting football on Five, ITV's 'The Premiership' was possibly the worst sport programme ever.

30 Seconds of Politics

2005-11-10T12:22:00.000Z

Ok, as much as he was a welcome guest on the show, I have to question a recent comment by Tony Blair that, following a defeat in the House of Commons, ‘MPs are out of touch’.

This is a man who (rightly or wrongly) took Britain to war in Iraq despite overwhelming public opposition (pre war Gallup put it around 70% in the UK opposed).

What does he know that is so in touch with the public? Does he merely read The Sun and see that as the voice of the people? Although I didn’t vote for her I’m pleased that my local MP (Labour, and a former criminal lawyer) opposed this detention bill.

Stephen Fry for PM in my mind. And I’d have Jose Mourinho, Andrew Flintoff, Chas’n’Dave and Bobby Gillespie in the cabinet.

Harry Potter

2005-11-07T16:58:00.000Z

wtf?

Gathering Moss

2005-11-01T16:36:00.000Z

A sterling Moss performance on this latest Simulacrum, from supermodel Kate Moss.

Why don't you subscribe to the show in itunes with one click via the link over there------>

Enjoy!

1-1!!!

2005-10-31T15:48:00.000Z

This was a very important game.

I live in Islington (Arsenal territory), but support Spurs. The only pubs showing the game were the ones that pump in dodgy Arabic and Scandinavian channels - it just wasn't worth the risk.

It's times like this when my radio becomes the most important thing in the world. I spent 105 minutes (half time brought no reprieve) pacing up and down, shouting and swearing at my speakers - in my traumatised state I even did the washing up. I was exhausted by full time, but what fun! Thank you Five Live!

In other news, a new Simulacrum will be online this eve/tomorrow morning.

Hung Up On Madge

2005-10-24T15:44:00.000+01:00

How do people make utter shit sound good?

Ok, I apologise to any Abba fans out there, I can’t help it, I just don’t like them. I would also like to distance myself from any suggestion that I have something going on with Madonna, I was one of the male performers on Erotica and received no monetary compensation after picking up a terrible itch. Leather has never agreed with me. Neither has group sex.

Anyway, Madonna has now sampled Gimme Gimme Gimme. A poor track from Sweden’s third worst ever band. But ‘Hung up’, as she’s called it, is actually ok. In fact – the sample is the best sounding bit of it. That is ridiculous, but not unheard of – Mark Ronson did something very similar, with even better results about 18 months ago when he borrowed a bit of Boney M and Nate Dogg’s vocals and the resulting ‘Ooh Wee’ was amazing. This is all very confusing and must stop.

If this album sells, Madonna owes producer Stuart Price (aka Jacques Lu Cont) some serious cash.

I’m off to sample Leo Sayer for my forthcoming techno album.